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Syndicate
American culture is like a garage. No, wait — it's like your attic. No. Your wallet. American cu... Cleaning out the wallet of
by adminBut there's other stuff in there, too, stuff that maybe had some relevance in your life for a hot minute, significant enough, anyway, to warrant yanking out your wallet and shoving it in there: receipts for meals you forgot you ate; grand plans scrawled on cocktail napkins; gift cards with less than two dollars on them; contact information for people you forgot you met.
Right off the bat I'll say that people can no longer use the phrase “where everybody knows your name” to describe bars, coffee shops, adult bookstores or anywhere else where people congregate.
And while I'm at it, I'm pulling the phrase “best-kept secret,” because I hear it so much it's become meaningless and also, let's face it, there are no secrets anymore. None worth keeping, anyway.
And I want to eliminate the word “bling” because it stops being cool when too many white people start using it. Same goes for “pimp,” “pimpin',” “pimped-out,” “pimp slap” or most other variations on the word.
Because I'm not sure exactly what she does, Paris Hilton is out. I'm chucking J-Lo because she hasn't done anything for me in years. Ben Affleck is out because, let's face it, I'm never gonna go back there. Burt Reynolds gets cut because he's like a receipt that's been in your pocket so long its unrecognizable. Keanu Reeves is a phone number with no name. P. Diddy is an expired coupon. Jennifer Aniston is a cardkey to a hotel room you stayed in so long ago you forget where it was.
As topics of conversation, I'm eliminating energy drink preferences, reality show moments, the “decadence” of certain dessert dishes and also the high price of gasoline because when you get right down to it I just don't care how much it costs to fill your giant Screwyoumobile. Also anything concerning real estate because I'm just so sick of talking about it.
I don't want to hear about your Super Sweet Sixteen. I don't care what your mom thinks about your blind date. I don't want to talk about “The Sopranos” — they jumped the shark as soon as they gave a recurring role to a character named “Johnnycakes” — and nobody gives a crap how much weight you lost on Atkins.
It breaks my heart, Britney, but I've got to do it. Just be glad they'll always have a place for you back in Louisiana, where former prom queens who marry inept pretty boys, pump out Irish twins by the time they turn 25 and Twinkie themselves into a pair of XL men's sweatpants number in the thousands.
And that should do it. Doesn't your cultural wallet feel slimmer and fit better in your pocket now? You should feel a difference in your lumbar region almost immediately.
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